I look at this painting, think about why I chose it to post, re-read a couple of posts and thought, honestly, sigh. I guess sigh isn’t a thought exactly but the feeling was, really? Here again? Two steps forward, one step back, two leaps forward, one trip fall down on banana peel pray you don’t injure yourself because you don’t have insurance right now but damn it, I AM GETTING UP AND POSTING!!! Or something less melodramatic because this is just a blog post after all. In fact, as I type these words I know suddenly what this post is called, what it’s about, what I’m supposed to write, not for readers but for me and that is this: acceptance. I am in an ongoing process of accepting that I am a start stop start again artist creative entrepreneur and the road is windier than a drive to Stinson Beach from Mill Valley.
I often fall in the trap of looking at other people’s progress, the quality of their work, their exposure, their innate business savvy, their….green grass. And I know, my grass is also a lovely shade of different green. I am in the process of accepting that. I accept that I’m pretty good at some things running a small business. I stay calm, I have a sense of humor when shit hits the fan (unless the letters IRS are involved), I paint with enthusiasm and don’t get too hung up on if it’s “good”, I am reliable and kind. I’m not so good, however, at business details, things involving cheques, numbers, spreadsheets, any information at all that would benefit from Excel, technical learning curves and sticking to a blog or marketing schedule. Some days it’s all too much. I am trying to accept that.
On the flip side, “Artist Studio”, above painting, is why I need to keep going. It is joy. It represents the other side of beating myself up. The side I’m half way decent at. It represents what it looks like to keep going, to keep your foot on the gas no matter what. This painting is a bunch of things that are new to me. It’s bigger, it’s a different subject matter, it’s literally a blank page to create anything you want, it’s not for anyone but my own painting pleasure and it was SO MUCH FUN to paint and that is why I am doing this. This business, this life, this teeter tottery self-employed roller coaster. Because every time I push myself a little farther or in a different direction artistically, it pays off down the road when I least expect it. And it will! Because it has! I have the faith. Ultimately, I do this because of the art, the act of creating, the love of making something from scratch and expressing my heart.
I am accepting that what lights me up is brighter and more important than all the so-called “failures” that I insist at muddling along with. It’s ok for now to be half-assed in accounting and business. And tech. Ok and also consistent blog posts. I’m busy getting messy on my green grass.
“Artist Studio” 36 x 36″ Available at ElizabethW Carmel 831.626.3892